New Age Sacred Consciousness™ FAQ

Perish the thought! We’re a tantric think-tank exploring the cosmic clitoris of consciousness. Any “moaning mantras” are just advanced throat-chakra tuning. Coincidence that everyone finishes at the same time.

Fabric is a low-frequency chastity belt woven by the Annunaki. Only by letting it all hang out can your root chakra blow its load of karma. Plus, pockets collect negative ions—science!

Two souls merge at the speed of light in a 69-hour lock-in. Any physical thrusting is merely prana doing the Macarena. Lube is optional; enlightenment is mandatory.

No means no… unless you’re Level 8. Guru Dave’s “Third-Eye Injection” is a symbolic transfer of liquid light. Think spiritual bukkake for the pineal gland. $1,337 donation unlocks the splash zone.

Ancient Sumerian fertility code. The eggplant represents masculine ascension, the peach feminine receptivity. The splash emoji? Sacred nectar of the gods. Stop being so 3D, Karen.

Absolutely! The Voyeur Vortex comes with noise-canceling headphones and a complimentary towel. Many report explosive relationship upgrades after one partner’s yoni hits the high notes.

Ayahuasca, oat milk, Guru Dave’s “mayonnaise of the multiverse”, and a dash of unicorn tears. Tastes like regret and rapture had a baby. One sip and your serpent rises faster than rent.

To scan for past-life alimony and energetic sugar daddies. Also, the IRS is a lizard in a suit—don’t @ us, we’re busy manifesting your mom’s credit score.

That’s advanced light-body daisy-chaining. Each participant’s mouth to sacral chakra forms a closed-circuit orgasmic grid. NASA called; they want their orgy back.

As a 501(c)(3) Temple of Tactical Touching, hell yes! Bonus: every $1K spent unlocks a free happy ending for your aura. Venmo @GuruDaveXXX.

Safe words are illusory constructs of the ego. But sure, the exit is behind the glory hole of liberation. Just crawl through the tunnel of non-attachment.